Tim Phelan's Tech in Perspective

Tech in Perspective - Living a Balanced Life

Social Media

Living Life Out Loud…. Well, Sort Of

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Why do our teens tend to focus their social media efforts in “hit and run” apps that do not seem to say anything such as Instagram, Pinterest, Snapchat, etc.? I mean my boys are all about making a statement and individuality. Yet, their electronic broadcasts are typically a picture or some meaningless phrase which do not communicate much of anything. On the other hand, I tend to blog, share moments with context on Facebook or Instagram, and tweet ideas that I find interesting, inspiring, ironic, or just plain silly. Who is really “living life out loud?”

This is a topic that has stumped me. It just never clicked with me—until 5AM this morning lying in bed. As I was thinking through my day, the phrase “living life out loud” came to mind. I really did not have a context, but thought it sounded cool and may be something fun to write about (file that one to examine later). The trash needs to go out; meeting at 10:30 I need to prep for; did I get all of the information into our systems from last week for work…all of those fun “real life” thoughts started. Then out of nowhere came the thought “Mark 6:2-4.” Interesting…I read the Bible from time to time, but have never really memorized any of it. I would consider myself fairly familiar with the Bible. But like a visitor to France trying to find the library in Paris, I am not able to identify where things are in the Bible or what books certain events take place. This was a first for me. So, I did what any other person that may of just had a brush with divine inspiration would do, I made a quick note in my phone and went back to sleep with no idea what those verses said.

After a cup of coffee, I found that the essence of these verses in my opinion is that Jesus preached in the synagogue of his home town, and those who heard him (I am going to assume who also probably knew him pretty well) took offense and scoffed, “Isn’t this the carpenter? Isn’t this Mary’s son and the brother of James. Joseph, Judas and Simon?” (NIV Life Application Mark 6:3).

OK, I get it now! Thanks God! Our teens put in all of that electronic effort because they do want to be heard and seen, they want to be thought provoking and provocative, and to put their stance and stamp on the world. Note: for the purposes of this piece, I specifically mean pre-college teens. Our “babies” may at times even have great wisdom and ideas to bring to the world, electronically or otherwise. Our children have learned that just as “…many who heard him were amazed” (6:2), airing their still-formulating beliefs and ideas will open them up to questions and possibly ridicule. Teens can be brutal and that time of life is when we acquired many of the callouses that supported us in being ourselves later in our lives. It is not something any of us cherished or had to go looking for to get regularly as a teen.

I have asked my teens why that picture, or that quip, or that little comment and get the standard “I dunno” (visualize a put-on sullen attitude to go with, of course). It is BRILLIANT. Instagram, Snapchat, group texts, emoji, for example are the perfect mediums to throw out “clues” or “hints.” It is the ultimate flirt—it puts out just enough of themselves to spark interest from like-minded teens that could lead to more substantive dialogue. Yet, it is obscure enough to not garner a ton of attention. It makes perfect sense. And to think all along I thought these social media outlets were conspiracies designed so our teens could be sneaky, or plan some gruesome anarchy.

Our teens will “live out loud” when they are ready, when they have the self-confidence to handle the potential of criticism and rejection. Until then, they will hopefully form some supportive friendships from others that pick up on their “clues” and they will do their best to “keep it real.”

Facebook’s Impact On Teens

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Recently, I was blessed that one of my children had received two academic honors and was selected with a few other classmates to represent his school in the laying of the wreath ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery. Almost instinctively I posted a picture and a short comment about it on Facebook. After all, what kind of uncaring parent would I be otherwise, right? Just another day in my cyber-life… Later that day, a high school friend of mine commented, “the Phelan’s really have it going on!” My stomach started to turn.

Facebook has become our journals, our place to share fun facts, and our place to connect with others. Unlike private journals, Facebook is a repository of only the milestones that we want to share, the good ones. The unreality it insinuates make for great stories and creates reason to interact with many that without Facebook, we would otherwise not. The fact that we share only the highlights (or mostly, and mind you I am not addressing the “town crier” who is always in online crisis) can be unhealthy and is something we need to talk directly about with our kids. As if I didn’t hear enough, “everybody likes Tommy because…” Facebook has become another layer of hormonal induced teenage angst in my house. Real life is messy—for everybody. In real life we get fired, dumped, audited, sick, and make stupid mistakes that we pray we learn from and we would just as soon nobody know about. This is not the stuff of happy headlines (insert the smiley face emoji of your choice here). It is important that as parents we clearly explain to our kids that Facebook is not reality and is merely a small slice of any given person’s real experiences.

Alice Walton describes this phenomena in her article New Study Links Facebook To Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why.

The irony of Facebook is by now known to most. The “social” network has been linked to a surprising number of undesirable mental health consequences: Depression, low self-esteem, and bitter jealousy among them. Now, a new study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology finds that not only do Facebook and depressive symptoms go hand-in-hand, but the mediating factor seems to be a well-established psychological phenomenon: “Social comparison.” That is, making comparisons, often between our most humdrum moments and our friends “highlight reels” – the vacation montages and cute baby pics – is what links Facebook time and depressive symptoms together.[i]

This is exponentially felt by teenagers who are told by every media outlet, report card grade, psat/sat/act, and by their naturally cruel peers that only perfection is above ridicule. I have yet to see the post, “I had a really tough day at work, feel guilty because I took it out on the kids, am having dreams about smothering my significant other if he or she talks about another DYI show, and I feel like a bad person because all I want to do is go postal or run away to a sunny beach somewhere.” You never get “the rest of the story.” For many adults and teens alike this can impact moods and self-image. Comparison rarely leads to healthy thought. Take the time to talk to your kids about this “unreality” as they need as much reassurance as we can provide.

I am not discount15731390865_bfde4e48b0_oing Facebook as a great way to catch up, nor am I saying we need to describe every detail of our lives and associated feelings. I am merely suggesting:

  1. Keeping what you see on Facebook in perspective and teaching your children how to do the same.
  2. If your teen is seemingly anxious or depressed, watch or limit social media activity
  3. Teaching your teen that we all need a little more celebrating and sunshine in our lives. Congratulating a friend is excellent, but not a measurement of their or your value.

In researching this, I was fascinated to find that this comparison-based depression is far more prevalent and deeper with males. I suppose that may have something to do with men’s drive to accomplish, compete, and win that is instilled at an early age. That may be a topic worthy of another post. In the meantime, happy and safe Facebooking to you. Oh and Dean: yes the Phelan’s really do have it and $%it going on… Make it a great day!

[i] Walton, Alice G. (April 8, 2015). New Study Links Facebook To Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why., Forbes / Pharma & Healthcare. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/#3a7d515d2e65

5 Techie Ways to Get More Connected to Your Community

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In the season of resolutions, so many of us seek balance with all of the people, things and tasks that require our attention. Connecting with others gives us new perspectives, makes us feel part of something bigger, and often enables us to pursue and share our passions (remember those?). Whether cross country skiing, politics, chess or business startups are your bailiwick, here are five ways you can harness technology to connect to your community.

community
Coffee Party USA-https://www.flickr.com/photos/coffeepartyusa/
  1. Meetup.com – founded in 2001, “Meetup’s mission is to revitalize local community and help people around the world self-organize. Meetup believes that people can change their personal world, or the whole world, by organizing themselves into groups that are powerful enough to make a difference” (http://www.meetup.com/about/). What, there is no meetup group for sausage making enthusiast? You can start one yourself! I often will look at the “calendar” section which shows every meetup group that has upcoming events, not just the one I am already subscribed—broadening my horizons and connection!

 

  1. Facebook – yes, Facebook seems to have become that place in the ether where we post our children’s, our pets’, and own accomplishments and outstanding moments. Oh, I should not forget all of the entertaining animal videos and the ability to stalk one’s ex. Facebook’s “surreality” is a topic for an entire post itself. Yet, it can be a valuable tool to stay connected with the community. Firstly, you can “follow” a person, place or company that has shared vfacebookalues, things you enjoy and events (and yes, I love pancakes). Secondly, you can view events near you from your home page. Click on “Events” and you will have a number of options: to create an event; to see all events happening near you this week; and even see who is going to an event (and register yourself so others know). This is a great way to see what concerts, art exhibits, comedy shows, and charitable events are upcoming. Finally, you can virtually connect to things, places, establishments, schools and even governments by again following them and then participating via comments in discussions that arise. Just remember that this is real life and you may run into people with whom you interact and comment. This is a great icebreaker, and can also be awkward: “oh, so you are Tim Phelan….”

 

  1. Go old school, but in a technologically savvy way – most all newspapers, local periodicals, churches and event venues have an online “upcoming events” section. Spent a few minutes to scan these for things that may interest you. In some cases, you can subscribe to a newsletter or even a RSS feed to keep you up to date. If you are so inclined and lead a life of leisure, go ahead and do the online crossword and Sudoku while you are at it.

 

  1. Yonder – For those of you like me that spend entirely too much time staring at a computer screen, Yonder is an excellent way to connect with others and get a little (or a whole lot) of exercise in the process. Yonder is an app available for iOS and Android that brings together people and the outdoor adventures they share. It covers a wide range of activities: backpacking, biking, birding, camping, geocaching (got me), hiking, horseback riding, skiing, all sorts of water sports and even yoga. You can share your adventures with pictures, instructions, comments and Yonder links out to the websites of where you were (state park, city, etc…). It is awesome for planning an adventure—or in my case a hike— because you get first hand experiences to give you what no brochure or map book dare say. In addition, people comment on your adventures and likewise. Through this dialog you can meet people who share your outdoor passion, perhaps outdoor geocaching yoga in the rain (I like pina coladas!).

 

  1. Teach – yes seriously! if you have a slant towards geekiness—hey geek is the new cool, then you have something to share. Churches, schools, companies, chambers of commerce, rotary clubs, etc… are always looking for content to add value to their membership. Have you made money on Etsy or Ebay? Maybe you have three teenaged boys and you spend most of your life trying to control and make safe a myriad of electronics that connect to the internet (ouch, that was a little close to home)? Have you fallen for so many scams that you know how to spot them? Or, perhaps a little advice on online courtesy in forums and commenting (Dad, all caps does not make it easier to read!)? Millennials and kids these days electronically communicate information seamlessly, without regard to location, culture or backgrounds. How do we “internet immigrants” who still remember baud rates learn the latest and greatest? Whether it is writing a blog, submitting articles to local papers and periodicals, or speaking to groups, you can add value to your community and become more connected today.

 

I love this quote from Brené Brown, “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” Connection brings about perspective, purpose and most often balance to our lives. Using these five tools—and there are unaccountably more—2016 will be the year that my electronics enhance my sense of being a part of a community rather than isolating. You game? Please share other apps, sites, tools have you used and make it a great 2016!